DEATH : MURDER, SEX, AND FRIDGES
by Doctor Whoops
Summary: Death finds herself having to mediate for the dead following a misunderstanding that led to murder. Dedicated to J&P with eternal love


"Die Bitch!"

An Unreal Tournament Fiction

Disclaimer: - I don't own it's just for fun! Dedicated to all online gamers, I'm sure we've all been there at some point.

"Die Bitch!"

My character fell to the floor missing its head.

"That's the fourth time in a row!" I screamed.

"Spawn killer?" Jake enquired.

"Yeah," I confirmed, "get's me everytime I respawn."

So saying I clicked my mouse and respawned. And sure enough my head was taken off before I had a chance to move.

"Die Bitch!" Came the voice of my tormentor.

YOU WERE KILLED BY MONKEYSPANKER! The server informed me.

"Oh him again," Jake nodded in recognition, "you should report him to the server administrator hopefully he'll get kicked off."

I didn't particularly want to do that, when all was said and done shooting people down was the name of the game. And I'm pretty sure that the makers included a sniper rifle in the game for a reason. But just the same it was annoying, and what made it worse was that every single time he fragged me he used the same taunt.

"Die Bitch!"

That was the sixth time in almost as many minutes.

"Did you order the cappuccino?" Jake suddenly asked suddenly remembering he had approached my terminal for a reason.

"Yeah thanks," I acknowledged.

I was vaguely aware that people at nearby terminals were snickering; evidently my first clumsy attempts at online gaming were beginning to attract attention.

I had been dropping into Jake's Cyber Café on and off now for the past few months. In fact it was ever since I made a conscious decision to kick the booze, and to be honest I hate computers really, I don't have a drink problem or anything, I don't need counselling or AA or any of that shit, but I like to socialise, and the thought of hanging out in a bar or a club where everyone was drinking except me was unbearable. There was no way I could do it at least not without a distraction.

My wife had recently walked out on me for various reasons that are none of your business and so I no longer had any reason to go home. Come to think of it, my not going home was one of the reasons for the split anyway, but I digress.

Not going home of course meant finding somewhere booze free to hang out after work, and that's when I discovered Jake's 24 hour Cyber Café and the joys of online gaming.

I already told you I hate computers, to me computers were for geeks, I held them in the same category as train spotting, comic collecting, and science fiction. To me the people who were interested in such things were nerds, the sort of sad git who used to have his lunch money stolen on a regular basis at school. Computers were for the loner in the corner with no friends or no life.

But seeing as these days I also seemed to have very little of either of these commodities it appeared my destiny as a born again geek was set.

And so that's how I came to be sitting at this terminal getting my ass kicked by a nerd somewhere on the other side of the globe. I had played Unreal Tournament the game on and off for three months. I had beaten every level except the top, try as I might I just couldn't beat Xan. At least not yet anyway.

The more I played, the less I thought about booze, and finally, today in fact, I felt confident enough to go online. Nothing too heavy to begin with I thought, just a simple game of Capture The Flag on Facing Worlds, an easy and simple team game where I could let the more experienced players do the main work and I could just provide backup.

You have two teams for those that don't already know, one red and one blue. Each team has a base in the base is a flag, your objective as a team is to work together to capture the other teams flag, avoid being killed and bring said flag back to your base in order to score. The team with the most captures wins.

That was the plan, and it would've been easy and simple except for the fucker who kept head shooting me the minute I moved!

I clicked the mouse to respawn again.

"Die Bitch!"

This was beginning to get very, very, tiresome, and embarrassing, I was conscious that Jake was still hovering over my shoulder.

"You know judging by the way you fell there," Jake said pointing at the screen, "I would say you're spawn killer is perched on the ledge above you."

Jake was right the guys at Epic had gone to great lengths and painstaking detail to inject as much realism as possible into the game. So usually if someone shot you from in front your character fell backwards, if you were hit by a rocket then you blew into pieces but if, as could now be seen, you died falling forwards, then obviously your killer was positioned somewhere behind you.

It was obvious really I don't know why I never noticed it before. I had assumed my tormentor (on the red team) was firing from the red teams tower. Without respawning I jerked the mouse around to adjust the camera angle.

And there he was! The fucker was perched on the ledge above me waiting for me to respawn.

"You will probably respawn on the other side this time," Jake advised, he meant the other side of the blue tower.

Just then MonkeySpanker moved off round the corner.

"He's gone round the other side to wait for you." Jake confirmed.

I respawned.

"Die Bitch!"

"Told you." Jake advised.

I hit the text mode and typed "MonkeySpanker Fuck Off!"

"You'll only encourage him." Jake shook his head solemnly.

A few seconds later I got a reply, MonkeySpanker's typed response was;

"You cry like a bitch, you die like a bitch, you are a bitch!"

And as if to reiterate his point the voice taunt came again.

"Die Bitch!"

I was well and truly fucked off by this point. And for the first time in almost a month I found myself craving for a good stiff drink.

"You need to respawn quicker," Jake informed me, "everytime you die you respawn on alternative sides of the tower, and this fucker is moving from one side to the other and picking you off every time."

"So what should I do?" I sighed, apart from walk straight into the nearest bar and drink it dry I thought to myself.

"Well respawn now let him kill you then respawn quickly and run like hell round the corner to the entrance of the tower." Jake informed me.

I respawned.

"Die Bitch!"

I died like a bitch.

I respawned again and ran like a bastard for the towers entrance. I was surprised to find that I had made it.

"Okay now what?"

"Go up to the top tower grab a sniper rifle and shoot the fucker." Jake replied.

"Yeah go on!" Said another voice.

I turned to see who it was; everyone in the café was now standing over my shoulder it was a geeks convention! Spotty kids in sci-fi t-shirts, and fat guys old enough to know better wearing Batman logo's all looked at me expectantly. There were a couple of girls there too.

I turned back to the screen in front of me, I had to do this or I was going to wind up looking like a total twat. I headed for the top floor of the tower but first I made a little stop at one of the other levels.

All over the map are various different weapons, you can choose from rocket launchers, sniper rifles, a thing that fires razor blades, or the redeemer. All weapons have a primary fire and secondary fire mode. Primary is bound to the left mouse click, secondary to the right.

The Redeemer is a self-propelled guided rocket warhead. You can fire it straight off like any weapon with primary fire and with secondary fire you can guide it straight to the target. It blows everyone within a very large radius, because it's so powerful it is used sparingly, that is to say that once a player has selected the redeemer it wont reappear in the game for a while.

I was lucky that I had got to it before anyone else had. It was an ideal weapon for firing from one side of the map to the other but I intended to use it at a much shorter range.

Arriving at the top level I grabbed the sniper rifle and as much ammo as I could find. Settling myself into the corner I fired The Redeemer on secondary and began searching the block for my intended victim.

I circled the tower and there he was happily taking potshots at another of my unwitting teammates.

BOOM!

Monkeyspanker blew apart.

"MONKEYSPANKER'S KILLING SPREE WAS ENDED BY NEWBIE!"

The server proudly announced. There were cheers from all my fellow geeks.

"Don't stop there!" Jake informed me, "he's gonna respawn!"

I selected the sniper rifle and at Jake's instruction jumped down onto the ledge below (where the shadow provides some camouflage,) selected secondary fire, which brings up the telescopic sight and waited for the fucker to respawn.

Now it was my turn to ride on top!

He appeared almost immediately next to the red teams tower, so I took off his head.

"Die Bitch!" I informed him.

Shit that felt good!

There was a moment's pause, he reappeared on the other side of his tower and I got him again.

"Die Bitch!"

And again, and again, and pretty soon the server announced "NEWBIE IS ON A KILLING SPREE!"

And suddenly just like that MonkeySpanker left the game. The fucker! He couldn't take it so he just disconnected.

"Yeah that happens a lot," Jake nodded sagely, "these fuckers with no skill show up in the game, pick the easiest gun to use and sit there the whole time jerking off on their own inability, until someone finally tumbles them and off they go."

The geeks began to drift back to their terminals.

"He's probably some sad fucker sitting in a house all alone with nothing else to live for."

When Jake put it like that I was alarmed to find how much I could relate.

"Don't give him another thought," Jake assured me, "and have another cappuccino on the house."

"Sir?"

Almost half a world away MonkeySpanker looked up from his PC.

"What?" He snapped reaching for a pretzel.

"Mr President," the young aide tried again, "the British Prime Minister is here to see you."

The President sighed, and after a moment's thought looked up.

"Have him wait in the conference room," he informed the quivering young aide, "I have some unfinished business to attend to."

So saying MonkeySpanker logged back on to the server.

"But Mr President sir," the aide implored, "it's a matter of war!"

"So is this!" The most powerful man in the western world replied through gritted teeth.

The End


End file.
